Yesterday, I went shopping for jeans. This information alone should be enough to make you understand why this rant is entitled: Why Chris Cannon Will Be Joining a Nudist Colony.

I foolishly imagined that if I went to Kohls, Sears, Macys, and Dillards I would be able to purchase pants. I tried on over 20 pairs of jeans. As in the number that comes after 19. Did some of them zip and button? Yes. Did some of them fit my thighs? Yes. Did any pair of jeans have those two factors in common? No.

Plus there is the added joy that boyfriend jeans and skinny jeans seem to be the only two styles now available. As a short person I have spent my life hunting down jeans which don’t pool around my ankles. Why would I intentionally buy pants that had to be cuffed at the bottom, as if I just stole them from my boyfriend. Every freaking pair of jeans I buy could be “Boyfriend” jeans. Stupid moronic fashion industry.

And what living female over the age of eighteen looks good in skin-tight skinny jeans? What happened to normal straight leg jeans or various widths of boot cut jeans? And what in the hell are jeggings? Jean leggings? Aren’t skin-tight skinny jeans and jeggings visually the same thing? I know jeggings don’t actually unbutton and unzip but they still look like super tight jeans so what is the freaking point?

As I see it, I have two choices: Join a nudist colony or go shopping again. On the bright side, if I join a nudist colony there won’t be much to pack.